The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Randomize
