It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
FUCK WHALES
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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