i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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