I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
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