Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
