I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
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