two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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