I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Randomize
