Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Randomize
