He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
Randomize
