Whatcha textin bout Willis?
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
Randomize
