He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Randomize
