I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
I got inside last night via doggy door
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
