so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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