awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
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