I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Randomize
