does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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