i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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