So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
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