I think I just saw someone hide a body.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Randomize
