she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
