Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Hello my rib-scented angel!
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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