i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
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