Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
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