You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Randomize
