God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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