OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Randomize
