Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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