I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
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