I want to make a zoo with you.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
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