Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Randomize
