He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
i think my cat just said my name.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Randomize
