Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
