i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
Randomize
