dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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