discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
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