I didn't shave. On purpose
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
Randomize
