I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
