I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Randomize
