youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Randomize
