my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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