remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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