My friends, they love my intelligence
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
We are taking shots for every green Lon-Capa box we get for the homework.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
Randomize
