On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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