They should really pass out barf bags in church
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
Randomize
