This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
