Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
