I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
