I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Randomize
