i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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