her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
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